Feeling shitty

I feel so fucking shit right know and basically it’s all because my Nan is ill in hospital and we aren’t ever going to see her again, She has a brain tumour and it is in operable which means they can’t operate on it so it will kill her if that doesn’t kill her the drugs they have put her on to try and shrink it will kill her as they cause fits and or cardiac arrest. My Nan and uncle David have both decided that if she does arrest she isn’t to be resuscitated as she has a good life she is 90 I suppose and has never been seriously ill or anything and up until 2 months ago she has been fit as a fiddle. I noticed things weren’t quite right when I was staying there as she found It hard remembering my name and she seemed very distant when she was here for Christmas which was saddening to watch especially when she got ill and I thought she was going to go then, I’m glad she didn’t though, We are all finding it really hard at the moment but are coping, Me and my brother are both really upset and are trying to stay occupied so we don’t think about it. I had a little cry to myself this evening when I found out and am feeling a little bit better know. Am off to Chelmsford tomorrow to hand out C.Vs so will be occupied instead of sitting at home thinking about things.

As if things weren't bad enough!!

As if life wasn't bad enough, January's a hard enough month as it is what with loads of anniverarys involving Sharon but then last night we find out my great nan has a possible brain tumor just to find out tonight that she does have one and it is inoprable so is going to kill her, doctors have given her drugs to try and shrink it but they can cause cardiac problems which can also kill her! My nan and uncle david have decided that if she goes into cardiac arrest she isn't to be resusciated and to go in peace which is fair enough. Uncle david is going over tomorrow to help with things. We assume these people are going to be around forever so is a shock when something like this does happen i just wish there was something to do to help!! I'll just have to sit here and think of all the good times we have had together, all our holidays in swanage and all the christmas spent together.

Seems that i've wasted my time!

Seems that i must of wasted my time with that inrerview!
They don't acctually recruit you to work with them they just give you numbers of salon's that they think are recruiting and if you get to work in a salon then they send somebody round to see you! They don't even train you! So am printing Cvs off and taking them round chelmsford tomorrow as there are a few places that are recruiting and as i have past experience in retail it may be better! Hopefully something will come out of this i'm so bored sat at home i've already concured one mountain (gall stones). I'm sure another one won't be as hard!

New addictions - thats aren't bad for your health!!

I have just found a new addiction to the Mighty boosh, I liked watching it before but know i've taken it to another level!! Haven't stopped watching it all morning and can't wait for the new season to come out!! Gotta love Noel Fielding such a hottie!!!! phwar!!!

KATIE MELUA LYRICS lilac wine

I lost myself on a cool damp night Gave myself in that misty light Was hypnotized by a strange delight Under a lilac tree I made wine from the lilac tree Put my heart in its recipe It makes me see what I want to see and be what I want to be

When I think more than I want to think Do things I never should do I drink much more than I ought to drink Because I brings me back you...

Lilac wine is sweet and heady, like my love Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, like my love Listen to me... I cannot see clearly Isn't that he coming to me nearly here?


Lilac wine is sweet and heady where's my love? Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?

Listen to me, why is everything so hazy? Isn't that he, or am I just going crazy, dear? Lilac Wine, I feel unready for my love...

Bruising going and stitches healing

The bruising from my surgery is going nicely it know looks like somebody has come along with a yellow marker pen and drawn on me!! Its good that they are healing nicely jus very itchy at the moment so scrathcing anything that isn't apart of my body (including my dads arm!!) is a big must as i don't want to pull the stitches out, but they are healing nicely and doesn't seem that they will be causing much trouble for long!! At long last the saga ends!

Happy anniversary Dad and Sharon

Happy anniversary to my dad and Sharon!!
It is 2 years today since you both met and you sholud be together know but someone changed the plans of your perfect lifes together, if ever was there a perfect couple it was you two.
We all miss you loads and wish you were here spending the rest of your lives together.

Dressings are gone but the stitches still remain!!

Went to the doctors this afternoon as had an appointment with the practise nurse as was abit worried about one of my stitches as was stuck to one of the dressings and didn't want to pull it out!! The practise nurse took them all off and said that if this one wouldn't come off she had some stuff to soak it off but it came asway as if nothing had happend!! So nothing to worry about just got to leave the air to get to them so no more dressings!! Plenty more rest though..not so stiff but plenty of bruising to be seen it looks like i have beaten up (as quoted by my dad).

Sleep at last!!

YAY!! At last a full nights sleep with only waking up once and that was because i turned over to far and laid on my stomach (ouch), Woke up this morning at half 9 and was shocked that i hadn't hardly woke up at all and had slept through my dad and my brother both saying bye to me ( must of been a good night), I got up with hardly any trouble so soon hopefully i will be able to do normal things again, I have an appointment with the practise nurse at 5:10pm to have a look at my stitches as i had a shower yesterday and not all the dressings would come off :( one was stuck to the stitches and i wasn't risking going back to hospital!!

Mothers who needs them

omg!! you would of thought me moving away from my mother would make life easier well obviously not!! She been having ago all fucking day as if my life wasn't hard enough as it was..First she starts about me being in bed (when i wasn't) saying that she had major surgery and still got up the next day and did things!! for fuck sake know she starting on my past saying stuff that i don't want to go into really so i just sent her a text saying that untill she can talk to me responsibly and kindly i don't want anything to do with her which her reply to that was you don't want anything to do with me most of the time. I give up i really do!!

They think it's all over...... it is know

Thank god for that, after a very long 3 month wait i finally had my operation yesterday and was released last night thank god as i felt i would be more comfortable at home. As my bed is quite low down i have set up camp on the sofa bed for a couple of days so i only have to go upstairs to the toilet. It feels like i have been hit by a very large bus wich will last a couple of days (hopefully no longer)

Nerves!!

Ok i just want this over with know, the more i have to sit here before tomorrow comes the more nervous i getting!! Oh well it'll all be over and done with soon enough!

The piercings back!!

Went back to Hep Cat to see about having my nose repierced as my nose stud had fallen out and the hole had closed over!! Claire hep cat the piercer put a new one in and also suggest to have a nose ring insted of a stud at least untill the healing process has finished!! I am to treat it as if i have just had it pierced!! Another 6 weeks to wait then! Bleh!! But at least it's back and not wasted money!!

am i just dreaming?

Well i woke up this morning to find my nose stud had fallen out so i tried to put it back and found the hole had closed up! (what a shock). I told my dad as soon as he woke up and we looked on Hep Cats myspazz to see if they were open today or not (they weren't) :(! Toni kindly helped me re dye my hair as the roots were starting to come through and i was starting to look silly!!After we all went into chelmsford as i needed some new jeans! (too much weight lose!) We then went to a resturant and had food!! (that wasn't anything nasty no mcdonalds, burger king, pizza hut or kfc!) It was nice as we haven't been out for a proper meal in ages!! We then headed on to riverside ice ring to see the chieften boys play against wightlink raiders!! Such a shock to see them win 7 - 1. End of the first 0 - 0, Second period 6 - 0 then the raiders snuck one in the 3rd period. i haven't heard the crowd scream like that in a while and it was a novelty to have won!!
Off to Hep Cat tomorrow to see about my nose piercing again!! And then tuesday is the last day of this up hill struggle! phew we may have finally got there!

When is it time?

When is it time to say goodbye,To all the love I've known,When is it time to end your pain,And leave me all alone?I've watched you on your good days whenI feel your strength renewed;But shortly after little ups,The down days then ensue.We ride this roller-coaster ofEmotions as we try,To make it through another day,And yet, I can't deny ...That as I look into your faceOn days that have been bad,I see a look that beckons meIt's tired, and hurt, and sad.The little spark I used to seeBehind those loving eyes,Is growing ever cloudedBy life's cruel inhumane side.I try to see beyond the painYou feel with every step;And softly whisper to myselfThis may get better yet.If I can bear to watch youJust another day or two;I justify my reasons toEnsure I cling to you.For letting go is harder forThe person left behind;It means that if I let you go,I cannot turn back time.Back to the days I long for now,When you were full of life;And every day held promise,And our futures, clear and bright.But now the lights are darkening ...We take it daily now;I cannot see our futures clearOr think beyond this cloud.I think the hardest part in thisIs never knowing why,I have to be courageousAnd I have to say goodbye.For if I let myself admitIt's time to let you go;I'd have to face realityWithout you ... but I know ...That soon I have to face theFinal outcome that I dread,And holding on will only serveTo hurt you in the end.You've given such unselfish loveFor all our time in life,But if I hold too tightly,You'll not move t'ward the light ...On to a better life, where youCan once again be free,Of all the pain and discomfortThat holds you here to me.So if I find the courage just to sayThis last farewell,I hope you will forgive me forThe time it took me; still ...I'll hold with me, the memoriesThat in my heart remain,Pray one day, down the road a'ways... They'll lesson my own pain.

one step closer!!

well had a pre assesment for my operation on tuesday this morning so was up at half 6!! (i never knew that time of day exsisted) hehe!! everything was ok except they couldn't get blood no suprise there as soon as my veins see a needle the run and hide!! But everything is fine and ready to go on tuesday!! *shakes* i'm so nervous about it!! But atleast it'll all be over soon!! THANK GOD!!

6 months but still not forgotten!!

well 6 months have passed since sharon died and i still feel the same shitty self as i did on the day my dad told me!! it's weird seeing my dad without her or hearing her key turn in the door after work anymore as i did on a friday when i used to come and stay, it's horrible waking up every morning and knowing that we will never have her back in our lifes! GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN!! all the things we used to talk about, all the texts we sent when i had to go back to the hell whole my mum had made for me telling me that it was alright and she'd always be there for me, Sharon may be gone but i still talk to her as i'm sure everybody else does!
Love you Sharon
miss you loads
xxxxxx

From nose ring to stud

As i was going to chelmsford today as i wanted to go to connexions to see if there were any more jobs i fancied applying for! i decided to go to hep cat and have my nose ring changed to a stud a i had been knocking the ring and it was getting sore!! i decided on a nice pink gem as thats my colour hehe!! was abit painful with the taking out and changing over but thats because of the lump just above the hole which has been caused by sleeping onit and knocking it but it is healing nicely!

EMO!!

Isn't it funny that when you go to the shops with your friends you look down at the girl with black jeans and studs but smile at the girl wearing a a mini with a tshirt that barely cover anything?Isn't it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful?ISN'T IT FUNNY that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyoneare you laughing?Isn't it funny a emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity?ISN'T IT FUNNY that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts?im not laughing.IT'S SO FUNNY that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting.ISNT IT FUNNY that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart.HOW YOU CAN CALL A GIRL A POSER, HOW CAN YOU SAY "YOUR NOT EMO" OR "ATTENTION SEEKER" WITHOUT SPENDING A SECOND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THERE ARE CUTS ON HER WRISTS AND WHY SHE SPENDS HER LUNCHTIMES CRYING INSTEAD OF LAUGHING WITH HER FRIENDSKEEP ON LAUGHINGisn't it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons lifewithout knowing her situation with her friendsor her familyor her LIFEBRAVE ISNT GOING UP ON STAGE AND STRIPPINGBRAVE IS NOT SAYING A SPEECHOR DUMPING YOUR BOYFRIENDBRAVE ISGOING TO SCHOOL ON MUFTI DAY AND NOT FOR A SECOND CARE WHAT THE WHORES AROUND YOU ARE SAYING ABOUT YOUR CLOTHESITS LISTENING TO YOUR OWN MUSIC AND BEING PROUD OF ITITS GOING THROUGH EVERY DAY WITH THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY TO YOUR FACE AND BEHIND YOUR BACK AND YOU STILL KEEP QUIETITS KNOWING WHAT YOUR "FRIENDS" ARE SAYING ABOUT YOU AND STILL CALLING THEM YOUR FRIENDSBRAVE IS KNOWING THAT TOMOROW ISNT A BRIGHT AND HAPPY FUTUREITS ANOTHER DAY OF BITCHING AND DODGING RUMORSKEEP ON LAUGHING.if you agree put this on ur blogand advise others to do so too...

Pj days rock!!

well i woke up this morning when my bro got up and went back to my bed and when i next opened my eyes it was half 9!! I got up and watched jeremy kyle before logging on to the computer for more job hunting!! nothing interesting atm....but i did get an application form from greggs in the post so i sent that off and came home and got back in my pjs!!

Greasy fry ups and ice hockey

This morning me and sam decided that we wanted a fry up so asked my dad if he also wanted one which he did! (fat git LOL) not the full works of course just sausages, bacon, toast and an egg for dad as me and sam don't like them. We then sat down to watch hollyoaks and plan what we were going to do for the day, me and sam were supposed to be meeting some mates to go swimming (as this is becoming a regular thing now) but one of our mates couldn't make it and the rest didn't know how long they were going to be so me and sam decided not to go after all and have a tidy up of the bedrooms! i then took the xbox 360 down stairs and played on guitar hero 2 as i haven't done this in a while! Me and dad then went to spar round the cornor to get some dinner curry for them and pasta bake for me WOO!! Off to the ice hockey getting a bit late due to dad having his hair straightened!! Chieftens lost 4 - 6 to sheffield!! what a suprise!! more luck next week boys!!

Swimming and making new friends

well this afternoon was good, me and sam went down to the leisure centre for a swim with some of his friends! they have recently changed the swiming times so me and sam headed down and nobody was in sight.....we decided to pay and jumo in the pool and at 6 they all turned up. Sam told them about the new swimming times and we all agreed to remember that for next time!

We all had a nice game of 21 truth of dare well sam and his friends i just helped with the dares and the truth questions! Was funny! lol

When we had all got changed and was sitting in the foyer at the leisure centre and livvy announced that i was know apart of the group which is pretty awesome as just moving here and being in and out of hospital i haven't had much chance to make new friends!!

Job Hunting!!! GRRRRR

GRRRRR!!! job hunting is so hard they all want people with experience or GCSEs i have neither!!! Connexions website doesn't have anything that appeals to me either! i haven't heard anything from the Sony Centre either!! argggggghhhhhhhhh i feel like pulling my hair out!! i just want to be working know its so boring sat at home all day!